Excerpt: What He Wants

In the midst of pre-election frenzy, my apologies to Clare and Andrew at Variant for not posting the excerpt they wanted up sooner.  Here it is! 

This is the introduction to the latest book in the spanking series, "What He Wants."




 Dear Vivian,

Thank you for your books, they were really helpful in getting my husband to spank me –my first real spanking ever, finally!!!!!  I guess my question is, what next?  I mean, how do I get him to keep doing it?  It seems like he kind of loses interest. (reader email)

o there it is.
          We spend so much time fantasizing about, agonizing over, getting up the nerve to ask our partner for that first spanking.  When he finally says yes, it feels like our long journey to spanking bliss is over. Our problem is solved. We live in breathless anticipation of the next spanking, expecting a happy-ever-after spanking relationship to unfold as it does in our fantasies. 
And then, more often than not…nothing.  After that first spanking or two, it seems our partner’s lost interest.  Sometimes, it even seems like he doesn’t remember he ever spanked us in the first place. He promises spankings and then doesn’t remember to deliver them.  He says he’s too tired or too busy or “just not into it right now,” and sometimes he says these things in a not-very-nice way. And there we are, left in limbo, having had an oh-so-fleeting taste of the ecstasy of being spanked by our partner, only to have it all disappear without explanation. 
          The voices in our heads are relentless, full of doubt, guilt, shame and pain.  “Why did he stop?  Is he really just not into it?  Did he decide the whole thing is stupid, childish, ridiculous? Am I really going to have to choose between spankings and being with the person I love?”  Or, maybe worst of all, ”is there something wrong with me? Did I do it wrong?”
          The good news is that you’re not stupid, childish or ridiculous for wanting to be spanked, and there’s absolutely nothing “wrong” with you. The bad news is that there is likely something about the way you’ve been approaching being spanked by your partner is causing him to not want to do it. 
          This book is about fixing the thing that’s keeping your partner from wanting to spank you by sharing with you the secret to keeping your partner interested after that first spanking. As with most things related to spanking, the secret is very simple and very complicated all at the same time.
This secret is found in the title of the book.  It’s as simple as asking one simple question, “What does my partner want from a spanking?”  Because common sense tells us that if we make the act of spanking us more enjoyable for our partner, he’s more likely to want to do it more often and with more enthusiasm.  It’s as simple as that.  And as complex, too, because understanding what he wants requires making some profound adjustments in how most of us have been thinking about spanking.
Chances are good that this is be the first time you’ve consciously thought about what your partner wants out of spanking you.  If that’s the case, you’re not alone. Even after decades of work on this subject, it wasn’t until a few years ago that I realized that I’d never asked that question, either. More to the point, maybe, I’ve rarely, if ever, heard anyone else ask it, either.
That this question is seldom asked is in some ways surprising.  After all, those of us who want to be spanked are, by definition, seeking to enter into a relationship in which we want to submit in some very intimate ways to our partner and to his desires.  And yet, rarely do we focus on what those desires really are – or even that he might have them at all.
A big part of why we don’t think about what our partner might want out of a spanking goes back to the person we talked about a lot in the first two books – our Fantasy Spanker.
We all have a Fantasy Spanker. It’s the person in our fantasies who spanks us whenever, wherever and however we want.  He could be our fantasy version of our partner or our parent or a celebrity we have a crush on or our high school principal or babysitter or some faceless stranger with no particular identity.  Whoever he is in our heads, the relevant point is that he has no desires or needs of his own. In our fantasies, he’s entirely focused on what we want – he’s essentially a pre-programmed “spanking robot” with no function other than to fulfill our fantasies.
In How to Get the Spanking You Want, we talked about how our Fantasy Spanker gets us into big trouble when we try to get spankings in the real world from our real-life partner.  Too often, we assume that our real-life partner will do things the way our Fantasy Spanker does, and that’s where things go wrong – because of course, our real-life partner is not a pre-programmed robot, but an actual, living, breathing, thinking, feeling human being who isn’t going to do things exactly the way we fantasize about.
So it makes sense that that we might confuse our real-life partner with our Fantasy Spanker, and that we might also forget that our real-life partner has his own needs and desires with regard to giving spankings – and that those needs and desires might be very different from the ones we’ve projected onto our Fantasy Spanker.
          It’s this lack of attention on what our partner wants and needs from spanking us that I believe lies at the root of so many failed attempts to incorporate spanking into relationships beyond the first time or two. Oftentimes, we’re so focused on talking our partner into spanking us and worrying about getting what we want that we tend to forget that we have a responsibility for meeting his needs, too.
* From “getting” to “giving”

So is the problem that we’re selfish, thoughtless people who don’t care about our partners and just want things our way?  Of course not. Chances are good that you think about what your partner wants in all kinds of other situations, even if this is the first time you’ve thought about it with regard to spanking.  And that’s probably not an accident.  A big part of why the question, “what does my partner want from spanking me,” doesn’t get asked much may be rooted in the nature of spanking itself.
Most of us think of getting a spanking as a passive activity. When we think of getting spanked, we usually visualize ourselves as the submissive, passive recipient.  When we get a spanking, we don’t actually have to do anything except bend over and take our spanking when we’re told to and maybe not make too much of a fuss about it.  And if we do resist or behave badly, our strict, stern and commanding partner does the work of “taming the shrew” and putting us back into a submissive position. 
          Because of the naturally submissive nature of receiving a spanking, it’s likely that most of us have, however unintentionally, consistently approached spanking from a “me”-centered perspective.  Like the seagulls in Finding Nemo constantly chanting “mine, mine, mine, mine,” we spend most of our time focusing on how to get a spanking, how to get our partner to give us a spanking.  Why he’s not giving us the spanking that we want. 
          Perhaps you’re seeing that part of the problem is built into the very language that we use to discuss spanking.  Look at that last sentence again:
…we spend most of our time focusing on how to GET a spanking, how to GET our partner to GIVE us a spanking.  Why he’s not GIVING us the spanking that WE want. 
When we look at the language we use, it becomes clear pretty quickly that our traditional view of spanking is essentially a one-way street where our partner does the giving and we do the taking.
Perhaps it is, therefore, no surprise that our partners quickly tire of this arrangement, even if they might have started out being relatively enthusiastic about the idea of spanking us. No matter how much our partner loves us or wants to spank us, he’s still likely to get burned out in a situation in which he’s expected to give and give without getting his needs met in return.
          In this book, then, I’m going to suggest that one of the lost secrets of creating a long-term spanking relationship might be to begin by simply shifting our language.  What if, for example, we thought of ourselves as “giving” a spanking to our partner – not in the sense of turning him over our knee, but in the sense that we have an obligation to give him an experience of spanking that fulfills his needs and desires as well as our own?
     In my experience, this fundamental shift in mindset, from “I want him to give me a spanking,” to “what can I do to give him a positive experience during a spanking” is perhaps the single-most powerful key to building a long-term successful spanking relationship.  This book is about teaching you how to make that shift.

To order the book, please visit the link above or click here for the publisher's site.


  1. Yes, that is a very nice way to put it. Such a way of seducing is liely to provoke an answer-in-kind. Helps maintaining the dynamics.

  2. I really enjoyed reading your blog, I'll surely come and visit your site often :).

  3. Anonymous15:37

    Just found your blog. I'm a wife of 12 years and my husband and I have just barely made the commitment to the DD lifestyle. Your blog is a wonderful resource and the closest portrayal of the type of DD we are hoping for. Just thought you should know you have another loyal lurker. :)

  4. Thanks! I'm so glad the information is helpful -- lurk away!


  5. Anonymous20:11

    Just bought your book and read it right away. I jist wanted to say thanks. The tips and insight will probably prove to be invaluable, since I hadn't thought that far ahead. We haveonly dabbled with a bit of play spankings so far, and we recently discussed my desire to give the real thing a try. He has agreed, although up to now (about 5 weeks in) all we have done is a lot of talking. (The really good kind, though--the kind where we end up with a thorough understanding of what we each expect.) I just haven't given him any reasons to be upset with me yet, since all the talking has gotten me feeling all romantic and honeymoonish. :) Additionally, neither of us feel there are very many minor issues to address, as we are both on the same page as far as money and housework. As such, there just arent many spankable offenses on our list. I've got 12 years worth of being short tempered and snippy and disrespectful and downright mean to him, so i'm sure we'll eventually get to a real spanking. When that time comes, I feel like your book has made me much more prepared to consider the long term reprecussions of how I act during the first several spanking sessions. Thank you for your insight! I am lucky to have found your blog at the perfect time.

  6. Thanks for the great comment -- I'm so glad the book is helpful!


  7. It would be of great help to have a discussion about the reasons that might justify a spanking. I don't mind giving spankings, it can be a lot of fun, but it is also a lot of work. And it can become very discouraging when my girl has all sorts of notions about when and how these things are supposed to happen, yet is too submissive to share those ideas with me. So, I am left guessing, usually wrongly, about what she's after. I then leave the whole experience with a sense of failure and frustration that I didn't do it right. Frankly it's upsetting and I do everything I can to avoid doing it again though it is clear she wants it. It has never been clear to me why I'd be punishing her, I'm fine doing it for entertainment but pretending there's some reason to it I find quite a strain. I have found no online resources that offer guidance, I hope this book helps.

    1. Anonymous15:37

      Sam, I think it's YOU who might be too submissive. You are trying too hard to please.

      Your options:

      1) Do it your way. Punish disrespectful disagreements with more spanking (if consented).

      2) Order your submissive to talk about her fantasies. Be specific and use your dominant voice. Punish non-talking with more spanking (if consented).

      > It has never been clear to me why I'd be punishing her, I'm fine doing it for entertainment but pretending there's some reason to it I find quite a strain.

      Surely there has to be some area that she wants to improve? Weight loss? Exercise? Drinking enough fluids? Socializing? Going to bed at decent hour? Agree on a plan with her and help her out.

  8. Anonymous14:26

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  9. Anonymous08:09

    Perhaps he is apprehensive that you may change your mind afterward: later, next morning, next week and file a criminal complaint against him.
    Happens all the time that consensual sex turns into rape the next morning, etc. She decides that she really didn't consent - she was tipsy, fatigued, etc.

  10. Anonymous09:39

    Hope you return to blogging at some point - your contribution is missed.

  11. Thank you! I'm simply not a good blogger. The pressure of putting out material in small bits on a regular basis is way too stressful. (But I think I have an idea for a new book...) :-)

  12. Just a quick thought to share a bit of agreement.

    I like giving spankings to women, but I like to pretend that a spanking is a TERRIBLE thing, something to fill one's heart with fear.

    It usually isn't, of course - frequently, it's a slightly-stinging percussive butt massage, something that can be actively enjoyed while it's happening.

    The thing is, I like the fantasy that a spanking is a big, horrible thing. And while I don't expect every partner to put on a good show of dreading it, it bugs me a bit when the only response is pure, unabashed glee.

    And yes - a woman who's willing to play along, to look abashed, or frightened, to pretend that it's going to be scary and awful to be spanked, is a lot more fun to spank than one who won't play along..

    In casual play, I suppose there's a bit of a sense of "hey, mister, you get to look at my naked butt - and don't think I don't know you might get an eyefull of something else!"

    But if I just wanted to look at naked body parts, shoot, you don't even need to buy a magazine for that, anymore! No - for me, the spanking thrill is largely mental - I don't find "a naked butt" sexy - I find the bottom of a nervous woman who's surrendered herself to my chastisement to be sexy.

    In more intimate play, a woman might think the guy'll get sex, so he's getting paid, and hey, I'm not knocking sex, but you can get sex by helping with the chores so your beloved isn't too tired at bedtime, and by spending a nice, long time on kisses, caresses and foreplay. Again, that's not a reward for the spanking.

    So: yes, I agree, finding out how to make the spanking special for him can be a huge deal. Even the best good sport can go along because it gets you hot and makes you feel loved - but it's far better when it gets HIM hot too. Then there's a built in reward on both sides to encourage further play and deeper exploration.

    1. Anonymous02:58

      I wish I could figure out how to make it more exciting/rewarding for him so he’d be more into it. I surely do show my nervousness etc. about what’s about to happen, and I respond with the very real ouchy sounds that the spanking elicits, and sex always follows. So what else can make it a more exciting experience for the man — one that he’ll want to initiate?

  13. Anonymous15:32

    LongHairedWeirdo, I know it's been a long time since you posted, but just a thought: are you OK with MAKING spanking "a TERRIBLE thing, something to fill one's heart with fear"? Because if it is not, often it means you simply are not spanking hard enough. You need consent of course, but consent is often easily obtained.

    If your fetish is to spank lightly but pretend it is not light, you have to communicate.

  14. Anonymous06:40

    My wife spanks me, I mentioned this while dating, she smiled, said it would be her way, when she decided, I agreed. The spankings are just that a spanking, and they hurt, I have trouble not showing emotion, but it is what I wanted. Does this seem right to you and not?