Why Spanking Matters

After experiencing such positive changes in our relationship through the use of Domestic Discipline (DD), my partner and I now find ourselves having to spend an extended time apart. And despite heroic and exhausting attempts on both sides at long distance discipline, our relationship is once again falling apart. And fast.

We've tried corner time (without the spanking beforehand), mouth soaping, scolding, essay writing and, yes, even self-spanking with him on the phone directing me. But none of it's working. I try. I do my best to participate fully in the discipline he gives me, but the truth is that all I'm doing is going through the motions.

Don't get me wrong. I love and respect him as much as ever. Couldn't imagine being with anyone else, even though I'm not doing a good job of showing it recently. But my ability to communciate those feelings to him is slipping away again, just like it did before we tried DD.

I think it's the lack of spanking.

Without the spanking part (self-spanking does not have the same effect at all), DD loses its power for me. It's like trying to dance with my shoelaces tied together or make love with my legs crossed. It's like applauding without the performance. It's like running a victory lap without the race. It's like... well, for me at least, it's impossible.

My partner is frustrated. He's articulated to me that, "If this DD stuff is so powerful, it ought to last while we're apart." I'm frustrated, because I feel like he's judging the benefits DD has on our relationship without the presence of the key element that makes it work for me.

I've never administered a spanking, but I suspect it's very different to give one than it is to receive one. I think there's probably some catharsis in spanking someone when you're angry at them, but it's probably mitigated a lot by having to stay in control and discipline responsibly. It's a person you're hitting after all, not a pinata -- you can't just wale away until you're not angry anymore.

I suspect the benefit of a spanking for the person giving it lies largely the effect the spanking has on the person receiving it, in that the person receiving the spanking becomes calmer, more loving and more reasonable. And from the point of view of the disciplinarian, well, discipline is discipline, right? I imagine (and this is conjecture on my part) that my partner feels like I ought to be responding to whatever discipline he gives me like I respond to a spanking. Or at least responding.

But that's like saying that all sexual activity should make me orgasm, or all jokes should make me laugh.

All discipline is not created equal. Spanking creates a primal, visceral response in me that nothing else does and without it, all those wonerful feelings of trust, love and safety that DD can bring disappear almost entirely for me.

For me, DD just doesn't work without spankings. I want it to, very much, but it doesn't. And given the heavy emphasis on spanking (primarily by women) on virtually all of the DD blogs and forums, I suspect I'm not alone in this.

But why? What separates spanking from other forms of discipline? It's not the most painful -- I'd rather take a serious spanking than a mouth soaping any day. It's not even the most embarrassing -- for a lot of us, bare-bottom corner time trumps spanking for embarrassment.

Spanking is physical contact with my partner. There have been lots of times in pre-DD days when my partner and I were arguing, and a little voice in my head said, 'You know, if he were to just hug me right now, I'd feel better able to see his point of view.' But that's not a realistic possibility in the middle of an argument. People generally don't want to hug someone when they're angry with them.

Spanking, however, is a very physically intimate act that doesn't require my partner to put aside his genuine feelings of anger to initiate. Like a hug, when he spanks me, I feel loved, cared for, appreciated and important. Connected. And it's all within the context of the emotions we're both feeling. Neither one of us has to set aside our genuine reactions to participate in a spanking.

Spanking is mind-clearing. It's the only discipline that is intense and instant enough to clear my mind of its endless chatter about why I'm right and he's wrong and yadda yadda -- all the stuff that gets in the way of two people working things out in a loving way. Yes, I think mouth soaping is more painful, but it's a slow burn that gives me way too much time to think. When a spanking is appropriately severe, it takes me immediately out of the moment, out of my emotional reaction, out of myself. It's a time-out from the whole world, in fact, which allows me to re-approach the situation and make room for his point of view alongside my own.

Spanking is sexual. Women in DD relationships, me included, spend a lot of time denying the presence of a sexual component in disciplinary spanking, but don't believe it for a second.

Yes, there is a difference between an erotic spanking and a disciplinary one, but there's no getting around the reality that both have strong sexual energy associated. We can rationalize all we want that our getting wet and aroused during a spanking is only because we are feeling our man's dominance, etc. and not because of the spanking (it's telling that that particular theory was put forward by a man, not a woman). But I call bullsh*t. Come on, most of us have been masturbating to spanking fantasies all our lives, so let's not pretend otherwise.

First of all, the buttocks are an erogenous zone. Particularly if he spanks in the "sit spot" (or "sweet spot," as it's commonly called), that yummy sexual jolt goes straight to just the right place. Second, women in DD relationships are usually spanked while naked, or at least with our bottoms -- and all the relevant sex parts -- exposed. We're also bent over and submissive -- in the same posture as we would be for rear-penetration sex, which most men (and many women) find highly erotic.

This is all good news, by the way. We spend so much time worrying about whether or not DD is really just kink in disguise, but on the level of, "if it works, who cares why," so what? Even if it is just a fetish (which I don't think is the case),
what better way to defuse a conflict than by igniting a powerful current of sexual energy between partners?

Spanking is cathartic. It's the only discipline I know of that makes me cry, and especially for women, crying is an important release of tension and other intense emotions. A disciplinary session without spanking leaves me tense, irritable and still overwhelmed with all the swirling feelings that I had that caused the misbehavior in the first place (it should be said here that the majority of discipline I receive is for what my partner calls "expressing anger inappropriately"). If I have a safe way to cry those emotions out without having to defend my point of view at the same time, I can come back to the discussion in a more reasoned frame of mind.

5. Spanking is primal. Virtually every other disciplinary technique relies on higher brain functions to work. (Mouth soaping being the exception, but as discussed, it has other drawbacks). Corner time, writing lines, etc. work because they force me into a meditative state and/or because they're boring or tedious. But a dislike of boredom is a higher brain function, not a primitive response. If anything, for our primitive brain, boredom is good because it means no one's trying to kill and eat you.

But spanking is the immediate, shocking infliction of physical pain and it goes right to the center of that primitive "lizard brain" we have that responds only to intense, rudimentary stimuli. It bypasses all our reasoning skills and fancy higher function and goes straight to our nervous system.

Spanking is the equivalent of the lead dog in a pack nipping another dog that's gotten out of line -- like sex, it pushes intinctual buttons and sends signals that resonate with the core of our inner being. And because spanking reaches deeper than our conscious thought or civilized behavior can go, it has the power to evoke profound change in our attitudes and behavior.

So there is the dilemma. It doesn't seem likely that my partner and I will be together again anytime soon, as professional obligations keep us apart. But without spanking, the DD doesn't work, and without DD, the relationship doesn't work.

What I can't quite decide is whether ineffective discipline is better for the relationship than none at all. I'm tempted to suggest to him that we simply put a moratorium on DD until we're together again, given that it's not working anyway and is likely doing nothing but undermining his faith in the idea as a whole. But on the other hand, maybe it's better to go through the motions rather than abandon it altogether. After all, it's not completely ineffective. Just mostly.

I'm thinking that we need to spend less less thinking up creative (but ineffective) long distance discipline and more time figuring out how to spend more time in the same room with me bent over the bed and him holding the paddle.


  1. Anonymous12:25

    Every time I read one of your posts, it really gets me thinking. Thank you for sharing your intimate details, especially about the not so perfect parts. That really helps!

  2. Discipline is very much an 'in the moment' thing, imho. Certainly in my relationships, the only thing that has persisted across time/distance separation is the D/s aspect, rather than the discipline/SM side of things.

  3. Thanks for posting, D -- I'm intrigued by the distinction you draw in your comment. Can you elaborate on your thought?

  4. Hrm... possibly the distinction is just personal semantics, but let's see.

    Attempting an analogy, for me SM is to D/s what sex is to love. Sex (or SM) is a simple physical pleasure - it can be anything from a fun way to pass an hour, to a mindblowing physical experience - but you need love (or D/s) to make an emotional connection alongside the physical pleasure, which is when it becomes something special.

    If you're on a business trip, you don't (usually) remember the person you love by thinking about the last time you fucked them... or by having phone sex (okay, I have to admit, I never did get the point of phone sex - maybe I'm the odd one out here). You think about the way they make you feel. Equally, I think trying to capture the D/s dynamic by approaching it through long-distance SM games is possibly a somewhat roundabout route to the underlying truth that will comfort you while you're apart.

  5. I think this is spot on. I'm particularly impressed by the way you've articulated the sexual component of spanking. That energy is very powerful indeed: it can't resolve a conflict which is centered around an actual issue, but if a conflict has moved on from the issue and into emotional arguing-about-arguing, then spanking is an extremely useful tool for diffusing the emotions in a positive way. Same principle as make-up sex, I guess, only with the added intimacy of the power dynamic.

    (Obviously) I agree with D. above that for me it is the trust of the power exchange which fuels a discipline relationship, not the physical discipline per se. But then, we are unapologetic about using Dominant/submissive language, which a lot of people in DD relationships are uncertain about. I don't want to put you into semantic boxes you aren't comfortable with :) Nonetheless, I'm becoming increasingly happy understanding the way my submission and my autonomy interact, and I personally feel that all successful DD relationships have a strong emotional Dominant/submissive component, whether it is acknowledged or not.

  6. I agree that the D/s energy between the two partners is what ultimately holds the relationship together. I want to respect and love my partner because, well, I respect and love my partner, not because if I don't, I get spanked. This is my partner's point, and his frustration with why DD doesn't hold very well when we're not together.

    The problem for me, though, is twofold:

    1. the thing that for me recharges that wonderful D/s energy is the spankings. Too long without one and the battery runs a little low.

    2. Spanking is the only thing we've found that defuses a tense situation (for me). That means that if we have an argument over the phone, it's most likely going to escalate and cause a rift in the relationship. Too many of those rifts and the D/s energy, for me, doesn't hold.


  7. Anonymous20:07

    I would have liked to tried more of the long distance discipline, but in our case it doesn't work for him. He preferes to spank. So that means that the rules lax a little while he is away - he leave a bit more up for my judgement. However an accounting is due upon his arrival - or before if asked. The consequences add up. So it often means a long hard to cope with- but effective spanking. However - there are those times that I feel it is unfair to have things keep adding up on me - when I can already admit I need a spanking. Then as an insentive - to reign myself in he will "allow a defferal" of a certain amount of spanking earned if I can get myself in check and together for the next days or week we are apart. This "defferal" is very helpful in helping me find my self control - because at a certain point the spank earned is so much I just don't care and give up, then being able to delay some of the already earned punishment really motiviates me to get on track before he gets home. Also - after multiple reunions delayed because of spankings that need giving I become determined to be not only good but great while he is away - which is ohhh so much fun!

  8. Have you thought about talking with him and seeing about finding someone who can correct you when he is away.. I am looking into finding someone for a friend, cause she needs that accountability but isnt in a relationship at the moment. So on a website that offers ads, you can post what kind of person you are looking for. Alot of them will be more then willing to have a non sexual relationship with you, and still follow your limits. He could be on the phone while your being spanked so he hears it. And you could write out a little bit about it and post it on the web.. I am required to post my punishment spankings with pictures if there are any. Here is an example of what I have to fill in.. Something might come out of it if you had someone to dish out your punishments while he is away, and then filling this out. Good luck

    i. In this case, the spouse is to specify why she was being punishment.

    2. Date
    3. What did the spouse do what you did to earn your punishment?
    4. Does the spouse think the punishment was deserved? If not, why?
    5. How did the spouse feel during the event?
    6. Did the spouse cry?
    7. If the spouse was spanked, what was used, and what kind of condition is your bottom in? Pictures and video maybe used to document this as well.
    8. Did all components of the punishment get completed as instructed?
    9. Was the punishment effective, and was it appropriate for the offense?
    10. Which part of the punishment does the spouse think will have / has had the greatest effect?
    11. Was what the spouse did worth the punishment she received? Will she do it again if the punishment is harsher next time?
    12. How long did it take you to complete your punishment?
    13. Is there anything the spouse would have changed about her punishment? If so, what? (Be specific)
    14. If placed in the corner, how long? What were you thinking; did it heighten or make the spanking worse? What position where you in? Nose to the corner, hands to your side, over your head, legs apart or together ECT. Where you sent back to the corner after the punishment and if so how long? Were you made to sit on your spanked bottom, stand, what were you thinking? If corner time was used, were you placed in the corner, spanked, corner, and then spanked again?

  9. Anonymous23:26

    I really like your observations! I think they apply equally well when it's the male bottom being reddened. I have a female friend who spanks me on occasion and I certainly feel connected and focused during the event. I wish it would happen more often.

  10. Anonymous17:58

    Vivian, thank you for your openness and honesty. The issues you raise are most intriguing. If your partner is puzzled or frustrated that D/D does not work when you are apart then he is missing, IMHO, a vital understanding to the essence of D/D which is the sense of intimacy that is created between the two of you when you are 'playing'together.

    My sense is that your problems stem from him not quite being able to play the game - this means being able to move between two completely different positions. D/D has to be played within an magic make believe circle where both partners are agreeing to give up a real equality which exists outside the circle. Once within they adopt d/s roles which are always at some fundamental level a fiction, they play characters which are not really their true selves.

    It seems to me that from other writing on your blog in which you have given information about your lives, that you two work together, and that there have been times when your real power in the outside world has seriously challenged his, and that he doesnt seem to be able to handle it.

    Could you Vivian, and could he, in all honesty handle the fact that perhaps you Vivian are actually more powerful than him in many situations in real life? And that it is your fantasy world that enables you to act out the d/s roles so satisfyingly?

    This obviously cannot survive without the intimacy of your connection in regular real life meetings.. and no close relationship can survive without the kind of nourishment that takes place in one on one time together.

    It seems to me from what you write that he is more attached to keeping the D/D going over the phone than you, that he is perhaps more threatened by the fact that it does not work that well unless he is actually with you.

    There seems to be a way in which he is not actually able to truly 'meet' you.

    One question that needs to be answered is by what circumstances are you parted? Is it his choice or yours to work/live in a way which keeps you apart? And are these choices due to pursuing work commitments? And if so whose work is more successful and thriving?

    If the answer is that you are appearing to be more succesful in work than him, then I think that might present real problems for him, if he is not truly grounded in the principle that D/D is a role play thing within the relationship and not something that he should able to sustain over you in real life situations involving other people being present.

    ie in the sense that if you were in a board room together commenting equally on a project, it would be completely crazy for him to try and dominate you - or not treat you as anything else but equal.

    I can see how much you want the relationship to flourish and how much he means to you, but I have the sense from reading what you have written on your blog that he really isnt quite as strong and secure inside as you would like him to be.

    How much would he be willing to engage with all the issues you raise here?

    If he could do so to your satisfaction, I think you would both have a much greater hope of a happy future together.

    I can see how much you would like the relationship to continue, that there are many wonderfully satisfying elements to it and I hope things work out for you both in the end

    all best


  11. Anonymous23:32

    Another great post, Vivian!

    Any kind of long-distance relationship is difficult (I can say from much experience), and a D/s one is especially difficult precisely because you can't get your hands on your partner.

    I had a long-term (multi-year) relationship with a submissive partner where she had to move out of state. This meant seeing her at most four or five times a year, usually for a long weekend.

    To make this work we tried quite a number of things. However, I don't think it would have worked at all without a lot of commitment on both sides and a very high degree of real intimacy. That intimacy was aided by consistent phone calls (about once a day) where I checked exactly what was happening and immediately took care of any problems.

    One thing that helped is that she was very responsive to my voice and what I said to her. By talking with her in a way that captured her imagination and keep her thinking about the intimate nature of our relationship, she was able to get some physical response. So, I think this was part of what worked for us.

    The other thing that seemed to work, at least for long periods, was very consistent requirements for her to show her submission physically. This usually meant stripping naked and performing specific acts to specific specifications. The submissive must have some kind of physical submission to maintain their mental submission. Taking off your clothes, even for someone who is not present, is an intimate submissive act.

    For her case, I found that increasing the amount of corporal punishment for continued misbehavior was not practical. As the other Anonymous pointed out, the submissive gets to the point where she doesn't care. So, instead, I extended her corner time a little bit for each additional misbehavior before she got her punishment when I at last got to see her. This increased the intensity of the punishment without getting beyond a reasonable pain point.

    Probably you've moved on from this remote situation to one where you are both together. But, for those who are in this situation and find this post, maybe this will provide you with some positive ideas for how to cope.

  12. Anonymous17:36

    I have a question for anyone out there that might have an answer...I have recently had a discussion with a new "dom" I met, and we argued over what I consider a "Need" for discipline/spanking in my life opposed to "Wanting" it. He said a need and a want are the same thing, and unless a sub can go to her DD and ask for the spanking he/she is in serious denial and needs mental help. I was shocked! I tried to explain, that if I misbehave, and I have to go to my dom and say,,(When the football game is over, I was bad can you spank me?) I would not take the spanking seriously, it we lessen the value of it, and take away any possibility of learning from it> am I alone in my thinking? I guess I want the Dom to notice my weak area's and react to them. So thats it! thanks for listening!

  13. Hi Cassie,

    Thanks for writing and commenting. I'd be happy to give you my take on your question. Perhaps others will weigh in as well.

    I suspect ultimately your dom is right. Expecting him to do the work of disciplining you feels great -- it's the fantasy, of course, that someone else will do the work of loving us, disciplining us, setting boundaries for us.

    I believe DD is valuable as a way of teaching us how to set our boundaries and take care of ourselves. In a sense, it's "training wheels" on the bicycle that we all need to learn to ride for ourselves.

    But ultimately, if spanking is to be transformative and the agent for genuine psychological growth, it needs to be a way to teach us how to be a good internal parent to ourselves. That is, to be a healthy adult requires being our own internal disciplinarian, rather than relying on others to do it for us.

    That's not to say that once that ability to parent ourselves is internalized, spanking should stop. But at that point, perhaps it transitions to more of a playful activity, rather than serious discipline.

    And of course, this is a process that can't be rushed. It may be that while your dom's instinct to encourage you to set your own internal boundaries and ask for what you need as an adult is a good one, but perhaps it's rushing the process -- usually not a good idea.

    Probably not what you want to hear, I know...


  14. Anonymous10:55

    I found a sight on the web yesterday and it made me very horny....it was on wives being trained as slaves for their husbands in every sence of the word. I let my husband know I wished to be submisive and obey his direction but I found I have already had a couple of instances where I have not obey exactly as he stipulated, and when I tell him of my short coming he says its all right. After reading your views I realize punishment needs to be a part of my training in order to truely make him my master. The problem is he told me before that he is not into spanking as he considers it abuse not disapline. Any suggestions on how to aproch him to make him feel comfortable giving me the disapline I need. I never ever thought I had the desire for spankings but now I know it's what I want more than anything!

  15. Hi Anonymous,

    Thank you for reading and commenting! Most of us who read this blog know how you feel -- wanting something so deeply and, at some point, feeling frustrated and despairing of ever getting it. Of all the people who email me, this problem is by far the most common!

    So while I have no interest in using the blog to shill for my books, the truth is that virtually everything I know about how to get your partner to spank you is packed into those two volumes and there is little I can here that would be more valuable. (You can find links to both of them at the top of the page.)

    Also, if you haven't checked out Uncle Agony's blog, you can find excerpts of both books there, as well as tons of other helpful advice from others on this subject.

    Good luck and I hope you'll come back and let us know how things are going.


  16. Anonymous02:44

    @cassie and viv
    First: thanks 4 ur comments. I'll give u my poit of view.
    I disagree a little bit of your dom, and your view, viv. This are the good news, Cassie, you ARE able, to ask for a spanking without damaging the authority of your husband. BUT, and these are the bad news: you have to have a husband with enough phantasy and strength, not JUST to do, what you are asking for.
    p.e. If I would say: "Darling, I did this and that, and I feel bad, can you spank me?" I'd get the answer: "Well, I can but I'm not sure if I will. But I will surely think about and discipline you. Sit down, wright a letter of excuse, put your knickers down and stand in the corner, till I get to you." I can be sure to stand there a long, long time, probably an hour or two and if I don't want to make it worse, than I have to do this whithout any comment. When he feels like wanting to solve the problem, he'll read my letter and then he decides, weather he wants to spank me or not (usually it is a YES, but not nessassarily, sometimes he refuses to show, that he is the one to decide). And if he spanks me, I can bet, that he will spank me to real, long tears, much more, than usual with words like "you deserve a spanking, you wanted a spanking, now you get a spanking you will remember for a long, long time". This way he keeps control and authority and give me, what I need and want - and I think twice, before I ask for a spanking. But that's better than an unfullfilled wish and the feeling, that he is not able to or sensitive enough to see what is going on with me and to ignore my faults. Love Dagmar

  17. Anonymous00:13

    I think what you are looking for is the physiological release of endorphines.

    Wondering if you and your partner would be open to the idea of your finding a local "surrogate spanker" as it were, to give you that release you need while you are apart. Of course, put the boudaries on that as needed.

    Depending on where you are, there are "professional spankers" whom you can pay for the service of spanking you for discipline. This would put a boundary of time and space around the interaction that might be a needed safety for both of you. I'm not talking about BDSM either or paying a dom/me for a "scene."

    I know people in NY or DC if that is your area who are safe. Shoot, maybe even someone on this board who is local to you with whom their comments resonate.

    This person would not act apart from, but in conjunction with your spouse as an extension of his discipline so I guess all of you would have to meet somehow and talk about it.

    Perhaps this would work, perhaps not. It's just a possible solution to take the edge off while you are apart.

  18. Anonymous15:49

    Oh God, when I read this post, I almost felt normal! For so long, as a man being spanked by my wife I have felt that there must be something terribly wrong with me, to be in the submissive role. The above post is so thoughtful and touched me deeply. I think I may have to allow myself to just be who I am and enter the zone. When I am not spanked by her for weeks, I become deeply depressed, but I could never admit that to her. I feeld good to feel part of a group of sensitive group such as this. I have much to learn, and you are helping. Thank you again.

  19. Dionysius14:16

    I'm a male spanko switch, but I have a real need to receive, whereas I like to give if the woman obviously likes receiving it, but I don't have the same need. For myself, I need an egalitarian relationship, although I love spanking for roleplaying F/m D/s.

    There is a subspecies of chimps called bonobos that use sex to resolve conflicts. From what you say here, I think that's part of what DD does for you. Absolutely fascinating.

  20. Kate Taylor16:10

    i just have to say thank you for this site ... i am all you are AND a public figure. My husband hadn't a clue about this lifestyle either when we met and i couldn't get him to correlate my educated, independent, opinionated self with the brat i am and the discipline i need. Hopefully, after viewing your site, he'll more understand how having him in this role in our life if like air to me... Having been forced to grow up and miss my childhood entirely, i wish i could get him tp see that punishing me isn't a reward just because it also makes me hot ... it's the only way for me to repair that disconnect when he thinks what i've f*d up should be understood and/or not repeated. Not to mention the greatest expression of love. Anyway...thank you. Hope to hear more from you in the future... ~xo

  21. Kate Taylor16:50

    Cassie - THAT is exactly what i've been trying to say ... THANK YOU!!! i have no ability ... no, like seriously - despite being a multi-degreed, intellectual, public figure that *others* come to for guidance and advice - ability to parent myself. At all ... Since one of my degrees is in psychology, i'm guessing it has to do with being forced to act as an adult (in the entertainment industry) from the age of three and missing out on learning how to do that ... My husband has been amazing, doing what i need despite not understanding why. Maybe now he'll understand, the "internal parent" comment was exactly the words i've been searching for and which have eluded me thus far. Thank you again (Oh, BTW, just as an aside - i am completely inept at trying to parent even my pets... i've been better with my daughter, but she still can weasel out of any restriction with me with a few tears; My husband's arrival has seen a complete change in the behavior of everyone here as he naturally takes control ... he just has, as yet, been unable to adopt that role with me too - Fingers crossed!) ~xo

  22. Kate Taylor09:27

    Once again you've hit a very important part of this dynamic. No, it's not you... that Dom is no Dom and is a lazy ass player in my opinion. i've tried to tell my hubby that i need structure and rules and a schedule and that if i fail at any of those things he needs to recognize, remind and reprimand ~ If i could do those things for myself i wouldn't need a DD relationship! i guess it goes back to that internal parenting thing, too. DUH, can't do it! In fact, i'm a brat, too ... SO, i'm naturally going to try and get out of my punishment or deny any wrongdoing (impossible with him, which is why i so adore him, too) ~ i've also tried to impress upon him the fact that i'm (and i'm not being conceited, just saying how my life has gone) seen as a beautiful, talented, brilliant entertainment personality has done nothing but make guys fall all over themselves to give me everything i've ever wanted. He was a little shocked when i told him i was sick to death of it and i wanted him to make me earn his affection and reward. No one understands how sucky it is to never have consequences. Doing what you want in life and getting away with everything gets seriously old after a while. i guess if you're not a self-aware or indepth kind of person interested in growing and being the best you can be, my life would sound like a dream... but to me, it's awful. i've done some things, especially lately, that i would say deserved sitting very uncomfortably for a long time; not to mention other non-physical restrictions and punishments. When i'm not punished for them i have to then live with the guilt of what i've done, the frustration at not being able to remedy it or make amends AND his being angry with me and having one more thing to ultimately resent because it hadn't been resolved... . But, i also see his point about what he wants. i am his mate and partner and i always will be. i've resolved in the new year to not say anything (or talk about it 24/7 like i was before because the need was so great) and just give him time to find his own groove with it, because it is such a natural role for him, he walks around here being the Dom anyway - i think it's just a matter now of learning to do the physical things and recognizing infractions and imposing the punishments. He says he punishes me and the same day i misbehave again or even, eventually, repeat the behavior i was punished for. i say that i can't change a lifetime of habits with a punishment or two and that i'm not doing it on purpose, i just need a stricter structure than most to get it in my head that a) the behavior is unacceptable; and b) there are consequences full stop. No matter what, like i mentioned elsewhere on this site, we're together for love first, so i'm sure everything will be okay. i'm trying to be the best girl ever, but ... well, i'm sure i don't have to tell any of you how painful that can be when that's the only choice your given. Well, looking so very forward to hearing from others on here ~ maybe if i can talk about these things with you, i'll be able to give him the time and space he needs. Thank you, Vivian, for giving us this place and for making me stop doubting myself. ~xo

  23. Anonymous04:12

    It might be worth pointing out that spanking is natural. Almost a century ago, an early modern clinical writer pointed out that a man quite frequently smacks a woman's buttocks during the throws of passion. Seldom does the woman object. It is a universally understood nonverbal communication of affection.

    Many years ago, a teenage bride said that she was a prude on her wedding night. After slapping her husband, wound up on the receiving end of a bare bottom spanking in their hotel room. She said that even from the moment she knew what was going to happen it seemed perfectly natural and added that it was probably the best thing that could have happened to her.

    No so long ago, the mother of a bride recommended to her son-in-law that he spank her daughter at least once before the end of the honeymoon. The daughter replied that her husband had already taken care of that. It was one reason she married him!

    After some unseemly behavior, a recent divorcee finally admitted to her boyfriend that she would spank her daughter if she behaved in similar fashion. Much to the man's apparent surprise, she went to her bedroom and returned hairbrush in hand. Saying that she didn't want to explain things to her daughter, she headed for the garage. Opening the sliding door of her minivan, she suggested they go inside, shut the door, and take care of business. In describing events, the woman added that she knew from the moment her boyfriend mentioned the s-word that she felt confortable with her choice.

  24. Hi, I really enjoyed your post! I know that feeling.

    My husband and I are just starting to test DD methods in our relationship, and I found a wonderful website. takeninhand.com has completely changed my attitude and I think may, in a way, address that void you feel.

    There are alot of folks on there that talk about having come with similar feelings of straight DD (in that something seemed to lack). They really come off as having found a lot of the answers they were looking for.

    Thanks again for sharing.

  25. Hi. Just found yourblog after it was recommended to me. The very title - I can relate to. Ecxelent and insightful post thanks.

  26. Very good post about punishment spanking being sexual. I often wondered about it. I relate to it perfectly even though I am a man.

    Unfortunately or fortunately my wife is not made this way, so she does the spanking. I don't allow any domination though as I am head of the house. Let's say it is a service she does for me which is very erotic for me.

  27. Anonymous10:21

    Hi, Viv,

    Re: the ineffectiveness of long-distance discipline: I think this may be more of a communication snafu than anything else; when you say the word discipline, you mean specifically "spank"... whereas, he hears, um... "discipline by whatever means necessary/available". Kind of a classic case of "Oh, I thought you meant...."

    From your comments, what I "hear" is a) you love him, b) you need him, c) you want him, d) you're concerned about the relationship suffering because you feel so dissatisfied/frustrated... and he's frustrated because he can't figure out why this isn't working for you, e) you need his touch... in a specific way... a way that nothing else does and can do for you. Am I wrong?

    What if you just flat-out told him next time you talk, "Darling, I need your touch... specifically I need to feel your hand on my butt... your body connecting to mine in a highly specific way; it's just like when we make love. You know that I enjoy x, y or z... whereas a, b and c really don't do a thing for me; well, this is the same - nothing else works for me the way this does. Could we please try to figure out a way we can physically be together more often?"

    Then move on into the conversation that way; if he really loves you and cares about the relationship, he'll be willing to participate in that discussion and brainstorm with you on ways to fix the problem. If he blows it off or otherwise sabotages the communication process, then maybe that's a sign he's not as committed as you think... and it may time to re-evaluate the energy/emotion/effort you're putting into this whole thing.

    Some concrete suggestions:

    If you two are separated by a relatively short distance (i.e. in the same country, just in different areas of it), perhaps you could try for a once a month (more or less, as dictated by your financial ability) weekend spent together... alternating who comes to whom? Trust me, one fantastic weekend can hold you quite a while... at least until the next one rolls around!

    If you're on opposite sides of the globe or in different countries, could you perhaps pick a midway point, somewhere halfway between your location and his.. and each travel to it for a weekend (or week, if you can manage it)? This can be delicious... especially knowing the express purpose of making this trip is to be with your lover!

    Can't do either of those? Well, there's still one thing you can do... and it's a bit of a solo thing; please believe I'm not being a smarty-pants or anything... but... maybe what would help is to shift your mental/emotional/psychological focus from that of which you're currently bereft (his loving discipline)... to what you're gonna get just as soon as he gets home (hopefully the same). I know that sounds weird... or flippant... but it's not; it's just like in sex - sometimes, you deliberately deny yourself an orgasm (or he does if dominating) just to stretch the pain/pleasure to its utmost, right? The trouble is, though, that for it to be effective, you have to have some reasonable expectation that there WILL be an orgasm involved at some point... which is where he comes in; if you can talk all this over with him... and he understands what EXACTLY it is you really need from him... and he will faithfully promise you he's gonna give you that spanking you so badly need just as soon as he gets home.... Oh, the delicious torment of anticipation! And how ready you're gonna be for him when he steps foot off that plane/train/taxi!

    Hope I've helped... and haven't come across as some know-it-all relationship guru wannabe! ; )

    Love to and prayers for your and your loved one!

  28. Jordan17:07

    would you agree that being spanked by your man however hard or long, although it's painful it's an awesome experience. While being spanked by your parents as a kid was horrible that you would forget if you could? That's true for me anyway.

  29. I really don't think "self-spanking" is very, well, it's not male-oriented. Long D relationships tend to suffer, because they are long distance. There is nothing (unless you're like, a REALLY accomplished writer)that that is the same as being in the same place as your lover regardless of your life-style choice.

  30. Hi there, as these books seem directed an getting the woman the spanking she craves, are there similar books dedicated t the man getting the spanking that he craves.? Where might I get them. ?

  31. Hi David,

    Thank you for your question. The books are written for women and men who want to be spanked by their partners. I've had many emails from men over the years telling me that the info in them has been helpful to them. Hope that helps!

  32. If Feminism is not synonymous with freedom to choose, it's just another tyranny and, as Jefferson put it, " I have sworn upon the altar of god eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man". I believe it is what has become the fundamental theorem of Feminism, "The personal is the political" is the root of the problem. adding to the confusion is the erroneous assertion that male and female roles in a personal relationship are interchangeable. A woman may be a citizen in public and at work, but in her personal life she needs to be traditionally feminine. It's harder to be woman than a man, but blame Nature not any given social order.

    It seems to me that the author of this blog understands this, and that her used of DD is simply a lemma from the more general theory of individual liberty.

  33. Your comments concur with me. Spanking releases deep feelings in me, but the funny thing is that I am a man. We don't do discipline in our marriage so it is not complicated. The powerful thing is the spanking. It so bonds me to her. I hope it does the same for her but I don't really know, as it is for me. We don't really believe in DD.