The Virtues of Practicing Humility

One of the chief benefits of submitting to Domestic Discipline (DD) is its ability to teach in a safe, private and loving way, lessons that make life in the "outside" world easier to handle.

In my case, I have a particularly difficult time dealing with situations in which I feel talked down to and put in a position I feel is beneath my abilities, skills and age. Now everyone, to some extent, has problems in this situation, but I tend to have an extreme emotional reaction way beyond reasonable irritation. In the past, my responses have ranged from yelling insults at the other person off to to bursting into tears to quitting a job I needed on the spot, and any number of other things that are, at best, immature and self-destructive, and at worst, abusive.

In short, I have a problem, I realize, with humility.

Since beginning domestic discipline with my partner, however, I find that the real world's lessons in humility are a bit easier to take than they used to be. I find I'm becoming more able to apply the lessons of humility I learn through the corrections I receive at home to my outside life. And as a result, I believe my life and my emotional health are improving.

Domestic discipline is largely about teaching and learning humility. Baring my bottom and bending over for the paddle is humbling. Standing in the corner with my pants down and my reddened bottom on display is humbling. Thanking my partner for my discipline on my knees is humbling.

But no matter how humbilng, fundamentally, these experiences are safe. I know he won't do anything that is dangerous, abusive or traumatic. I know that we're operating in a system with clearly agreed-upon boundaries. I know that as humbling as my discipline is, I am loved, respected and valued -- perhaps now more than ever because I am demonstrating to him on a regular basis that I am serious about improving our relationship and becoming a better person.

The key is that, in a safe, controlled situation, I am able to practice humility and learn that not only is it not as awful as I always thought it would be, but being humbled is actually empowering. That's the paradox of Domestic Discipline that critics and outsiders fail to see, and perhaps the biggest surprise so far about living a DD lifestyle.

Unfortunately, the Ring Wing/Christian perspective too often uses Domestic Discipline as a tool to keep women from claiming their power, as a reason why they should remain "beneath" men. But I believe that true Domestic Discipline is all about helping a woman to own her true power.

Although I often dislike receiving corrections, when I rise from them (quite literally, as my partner and I have a closing ritual which involves him lifting me back onto my feet), I feel stronger, more capable, more...whole. I respect myself for being willing to take responsibliity for my mistakes instead of defending them, denying them or covering them up. I feel proud of myself for having taken my discipline well (assuming I have, which doesn't always happen). I feel a sense of relief that I've paid honestly and fairly for my mistake. And, at least for now, I still feel a sense of surprise and pride that I was able to conduct myself reasonably well in a humbling situation.

Of course, the consequences of mistakes in real life are, unfortunately, generally not quite as safe and clear-cut as they are in Domestic Discipline, but DD allows me the constant opportunity practice accepting consequences and being humbled by my imperfections in a low-risk situation. And I'm able to take the confidence I build at home and apply it to situations that aren't as safe or as clear-cut.

A few weeks ago, I'd messed up fairly badly in my professional life. Normally, I would have dealt with the situation by either coming up with an elaborate excuse (both for myself and for my colleagues) about why I haven't really screwed up and it wasn't my fault. I would have lived in constant shame over what I had done and it would have become a low-grade stressor of unresolved guilt and feelings of inadequacy. And a small part of me would have lost some respect for my colleagues for having been gullible enough to let me "get away" with my cover-up.

This time, however, I realized that the feelings I was having about stepping up and taking responsiblity for my mistake professionally were much the same as those I had about taking a correction at home -- nervousness, guilt, shame, embarrassment, fear. And it occured to me that if I could take a spanking for a mistake, I could certainly handle whatever repercussions I'd face in the real world -- likely not nearly as embarrassing as a spanking is!

So I took a breath, braced myself and faced up to what I had done. I acknowledged responsibility, took the pain and embarrassment that came from having messed up. I humbled myself by letting myself be imperfect. And I survived. More than survived, actually. Instead of those nagging feelings of repressed guilt and shame, I felt free and clean. And strong, because now I knew I could survive a mistake without having to cover it up. And instead of feeling contempt for colleagues whom I had manipulated, I felt that I could (eventually!) look them in the eye again.

For me, these experiences are powerful proof that, despite what detractors might claim, Domestic Discipline does not demean a woman. It empowers her, makes her stronger, more powerful, more effective.

Even the greatest leaders (perhaps especially the greatest leaders) among us know the value of humility as a tool for strengthening character. Nelson Mandela and Vaclav Havel both developed much of the strength and wisdom that allowed them to become spiritual and political leaders of their countries during years spent in prison, being humbled day after day after day by the indignities of incarceration, extended "corner time," if you will. Learning to be humble and maintain one's self-respect at the same time seems so central to the idea of spiritual and moral character that it may be a prerequisite for developing inner strength.

The problem is that in today's culture, it's very difficult for an intelligent, empowered, feminist woman to find safe ways of experiencing humility that don't compromise her professional or social standing. Domestic Discipline provides a loving, safe, consistent and private means of experiencing and practicing the humility required for success in life. And taking some spankings and corner time seem a small price to pay for the opportunity to live a fully empowered, self-realized life.