New book: How to Get the Spanking You Want

...asking for it, getting it & making it better.... the first e-book by Vivian....

Here's how it all happened...

Several months ago, I was contacted by the people over at Variant Books, (they're a brand-new e-book imprint from a publishing company). Apparently, they're fans of The Disciplined Feminist and asked me if I'd consider writing a book for them.

At first, I thought the idea was crazy. I do enjoy writing about the subject of DD and spanking, but had never really considered doing an e-book about it -- and wasn't even sure I had anything "bookworthy" to say that I hadn't said already here on the blog.

Then I gave some thought to my life history on this subject, much of which I haven't shared with readers of the blog since it didn't directly relate to the articles I've posted.

But when I actually thought back, I realized I'd spent over 23 years (yikes!) negotiating my way through various types of spanking and DD relationships -- at all ages and life stages and with partners at all ages and life stages. I've spent the last ten years of my "real life" doing professional-level academic research on the psychology of gender roles and archetypes for various books, films, academic studies and other projects. Add in the three years during this blog where, largely because of that research and because of the particularly challenging relationship I have with my current partner I've questioned many of the assumptions that I and others have made about this very unique lifestyle we've chosen, and I started to think maybe I did have something valuable to say.

Plus, given the post-election lull and my strong desire not to have do anything that requires leaving my little mountain hideaway, and my current ambivalence about jumping back into the political fray, and the issue that we've discussing on the blog about the importance of career-related work that's separate from my partner, I thought, why not give the book idea a whirl?

I also thought about the emails I get virtually every week from people asking me for spanking advice. And since many of you know first-hand how slow I am at answering emails (largely because my email time is so limited and my little dial-up connection is so slow), I thought perhaps writing this book would be a great way to answer some of those emails in a more complete and accessible way.

So when asked me for book topic suggestions, I immediately thought of "How to Get the Spanking You Want." Of all the emails I get asking for advice, well over half of them are from women (and some men) who want their husband or boyfriend to spank them, but don't know how to ask, and this question seems to pop up a lot on spanking and DD forums, too.

What's more, when I did a search online for the best advice out there for people who want their partners to spank them, I was actually pretty horrified at what I found. A lot of it seemed pretty flaky, and even worse, dangerous and likely to backfire on the unsuspecting sub who tries it!

Well, when all was said and done, we wound up with a contract for a two-book series. So...

I'm happy to announce the upcoming release of "How to Get the Spanking You Want: The Complete Guide to Asking for it, Getting It & Making It Better," and the companion guide, "How to Give a Spanking: (sub title still under construction)".

"How to Get the Spanking You Want" is available now, and "How to Give a Spanking" will be available June 30. You can get more information and a copy of "How to Give a Spanking" at (7/3/09: Vivian's updated note: For those of you who have emailed me, I'm a bit behind in turning in the manuscript for the second book, but am working on it and will have it available end of July latest -- and probably earlier than that!)

At any rate, I'm actually very happy with the way the project is turning out. I hope when all is said and done it will be a valuable resource for anyone looking for information on how to initiate a conversation about spanking with a partner.

Stay tuned here for all the latest updates on this strange new venture!


PS -- And for those of you who are wondering, the answer is, no, that's not me on the cover... :-)

UPDATE June 7, 2009:

You can read an excerpt of "How to Get the Spanking You Want" at Uncle Agony, All Things Spanking, Spankoz, and a reader review of the book at Brambleberry Blush blog.


  1. Hi Viv!

    This is a wonderful idea... very informative and helpful for would-be or newbie spankees and spankers, but also useful (I'm sure) to all of us who have been doing this sort of thing for a while and are still striving for the ever elusive perfection of it all!

    Biggest hugs and kindest wishes! I'll do my little bitty part to get the word out for you, too!

    Best of luck in all things!

  2. Hello Vivian, I think this is a great idea, will definitely take a look

    Good luck with it.


  3. Oh, yes, this is a wonderful idea. So many people will be helped by this information as opposed to fumbling around as we had to do.
    Thanks for putting it together.


  4. Paul17:16

    FANTASTIC EBOOK. I(a male spanko) purchased two. One for myself and one for my female spanking partner.

    Spankees: I advise buying one for yourself and one for a female friend or two if you have friends you know are interested in this topic.

    This book is helpful for spankers and spankies of any experience level and especially for "newbies".

    I am anxiously awaiting June 30th when the "How to give a Spanking" ebook is released. I wish I could read it right now.

    Vivian deserves our support for all the honesty and help she has provided over the years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. Thank you for the comment, Paul. It means a lot to me that you found the information helpful!


  6. Anonymous07:25

    I enjoyed reading the book " how to get the spanking you want" I found it very informative. I'm wondinring if the the publishing of the follow up " how to give a spanking" has been delayed, and if so when is the presumed release date.

  7. Hi Anonymous,

    I'm so glad you found "How to Get the Spanking You Want" useful.

    The companion book has indeed been just a bit delayed -- due entirely to me. I had some late-breaking ideas for making the book more useful and valuable and am working to finish it up as soon as possible. End of the month latest, and hopefully considering sooner than that!


  8. Anonymous09:55


    Someone bought this book for me as a gift, knowing that I'm cautiously trying to broach the subject with my warm and wonderful husband. My husband nearly made me cry when I shared parts of it with him, wanting to know where his version was!

    It was so helpful to me to realize how unfair I was being, not telling him exactly what I wanted. It's still hard for me to explain, and he may do better with seeing videos of the lifestyle too. I've looked around, but do you (or any of your commenters) know where I can find how-to videos or illustrations to help us get started??

    Thanks so much!

  9. Hi Jane,

    Thanks so much for sharing your experience with "How to Get the Spanking You Want." It's amazing and wonderful to here that the book is doing the good that I hoped it would.

    In answer to your husband's question, the companion book for him will be out by the end of the month (I'm a bit late in finishing it!) and will post details as to its availability as soon as I have more specifics.

    As to your other question, if I'm not mistaken, the publisher of these books is also planning a book on how-to later in the year. You might write them and ask what the status of that project is. (

    I'm so glad you enjoyed the book. I hope you'll come back and visit the blog often.


  10. Congratulations, Viv, on your book releases! It's been quite a while since I ventured over here, life being what it is, but what a treat to sit and catch up.

    Blessings to you and yours,

  11. Thanks for the warm wishes, Raven! You're always welcome over here at The Disciplined Feminist.

    I certainly never thought when I started all this that I'd wind up writing two books, but it's been a fun experience and I'm really honored to have had the opportunity.


  12. Anonymous20:50

    Dear Vivian,
    I have purchased and read your book and I fear I have made a mistake. I am so nervous I'm having trouble just typIng to you. I have have asked my bf for spankings before but never told him what I wanted it. I was to embarrassed. So to it I wrote him a letter and asked him to spank and suggested how I would like done. And told him I completely understood any decision he had. Vivian I fear I made a mistake and that he will call us off. No longer want to be with me. Am I overreacting. I asked how open he was to try knew things and he said he was open. He said he accepts me for me. Im so scared and embarrassed. I want and the discipli e in my life but I dont just dont know what to do.

  13. Hi Manda,

    Relax and breathe... and email me.



  14. Anonymous22:28

    Would most of these books also apply to a male bottom?

  15. Hi Anonymous,

    Yes, these books apply to men and women!