The Little Voice -- Emotional Awareness and DD
About two weeks ago, I was happily working away on a project one afternoon, when a little voice inside my head said, "You need a spanking."
This message from my subconscious was unexpected and I stopped to consider the possibility. I didn't feel as though I needed a spanking. On the contrary, I felt relaxed, reasonably centered and confident -- all the qualities that come from having been recently spanked (although I hadn't been) rather than from needing one.
But the voice was insistent. Throughout the day, it popped up in the most unlikely places, always with the same message, "You need a spanking."
Sure enough, the next day, I started to feel just a tiny bit edgy. And that night, my partner and I had one of those all-too-familiar conversations that end in tension and tears. "You need a spanking," my partner said afterwards.
So was that voice in my head from the prior day an indication that my partner has learned to communicate telepathically? No (though that'd be really useful!), but the experience did show me yet another benefit of living a DD (Domestic Discipline) lifestyle -- an increased awareness of my inner emotional state.
About a year ago, I started charting my fertility using the Fertility Awareness Method, a method of natural birth control based on learning how to read my body's indicators to determine whether or not I'm fertile. (check out this link for a really great software program that helps track fertility) .
In charting the various physical changes throughout my cycle, I've been amazed at my growing ability to sense even the tiniest shifts in my body as they relate to my fertility. Things so small that I hadn't noticed them before, that are clear indicators as to whether sex is safe or not on the day.
Similarly, as my partner and I get more into the rhythm of DD, I'm noticing a corresponding sensitivity to my psychological states as well. Tiny little shifts of mood or flickers of tension that I wasn't aware of before we started DD.
These tiny little mood shifts are the sparks that, in the past, went unnoticed until they exploded into full-blown arguments and fights between my partner and me. Usually he would notice that something was wrong before I did, as I began to become brittle and bitchy without realizing it. Then of course, he would respond to my brittleness with bristliness of his own, and I would respond to his response (accusing him of starting it), and so on until there we were, hurling insults and ad hominems at one another and ruining our relationship in the process.
One of the many gifts of DD is this ability to catch and deal with these emotional fluctuations before they do any damage.
But of course, reaping the benefits of this gift of emotional sensitivity requires being willing to take the appropriate steps to stop the impending "bitchy spell" before it escalates. And herein lies the challenge, of course.
Either myself or my partner has to step up and give the needed discipline at the first signs of a mood shift. But of course, if my partner notices the mood shift, that means I've already crossed the line and demonstrated inappropriate and/or disrespectful behavior -- behavior that's destructive to the relationship
The best scenario for using DD to maintain peace and harmony in the relationship is for me to recognize the warning signs before they affect my behavior, and then step up and ask for a discipline session -- turning the interior "you need a spanking" into a verbalized "I need a spanking."
Now as most of you know from experience, having your partner tell you that you need a spanking is vastly different from asking for one. However "comfortable" we are accepting discipline imposed by our partners, those familiar demons of embarrassment and rejection re-appear in full force at the prospect of asking for it ourselves.
But, of course, in addition to being a tool for building a stable relationship, DD is also (perhaps even foremost) a tool for personal growth. It's a way to build self-discipline, boundaries and self-esteem we didn't build earlier in life (see "DD as a Reaction to "Me" Generation Parenting").
The little voice in our head that tells us it's time for a spanking is a valuable opportunity to learn to take responsibility for our own emotional well-being, rather than remaining reliant on someone else to manage our psychology for us.
Having the courage and maturity to ask for discipline when we need it is a valuable opportunity to develop our own internal parent -- the same internal parent who's telling us we need the spanking even when we don't think we do. And I'm going to go out on a limb and say that virtually everyone who's attracted to DD (and just about all the people who aren't as well) has an internal parent that isn't strong enough to get the job done without external help.
Recognizing a need and stepping up to proactively ask for help in addressing it is a major step on the road to becoming a healthy, integrated human being. It's a difference -- perhaps the difference -- between being a child and being an adult.
And that's perhaps the greatest gift of of the "little voice" -- the opportunity to take another step on the road to personal empowerment by exercising personal responsibility and developing a stronger, more reliable and trustworthy internal parent.
Posts
Once again, a truly intriguing post, the idea that it's a sign of maturity to ask for a spanking. What you say feels right to me even though, when I stop and think about it, it seems like the need for discipline is more like the child inside rather than the adult.
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting, Anne!
ReplyDeleteI doubt that the need for discipline ever goes away -- but the sign of an adult is that the discipline is internalized, whereas childhood discipline (spankings, etc.) are externalized. And, of course, ideally, if the parents have done their job right, a child learns to make the gradual shift from one to the other.
Asking for a spanking is a step more mature than expecting your partner to notice when you need one, which is in turn a step more mature than misbehaving and crossing your fingers that you don't get one!
-Viv
I agree that it's a sign of maturity within your DD relationship to ask for what you need; aside from that, it's maturity in recognizing it, which is what I took from your post.
ReplyDeleteI, too, learned long ago that fluctuations within my cycle would dictate, in large, where my mood would go and how my bottom would fare! I do well in coping with it ~ and because too much strife or tension is difficult on my HOH, we engage in weekly "maintenance" or "stress reliever" spankings so that things don't get out of control. While many don't agree with this, for us it works wonderfully, most of the time, the stress level doesn't get to peak too high before its brought back to a manageable level.
That said, there are those spankings that are brought about by inappropriate behaviour, but they're few and far between.
I hadn't actually meant to suggest that the tiny fluctuations in my mood and attitude are related to the tiny physical changes I've noticed while charting my fertility, but of course, that's an obvious possibility.
ReplyDeleteThanks for pointing it out!
-Viv
RE: Anne's comment above
ReplyDeleteI just realized that a more concise way of responding to her question about whether the need for discipline comes from the adult or the child.
Perhaps another way of putting it is to say, the adult recognizes the need for discipline and the child receives it. And since we have both the adult and the child part inside, DD is a chance for both parts to get what they need.
-Viv
Asking is not something I'm very good at, I think because this is still pretty new for us. I have trouble asking for help taking the trash out, let alone for a spanking.
ReplyDeleteAdd to that the issues we had in the beginning about me controlling punishments, and it becomes a huge mess. I'm no longer allowed to ask about when he's going to do it (sometimes it can be days later, depending on his work schedule) because it was causing disharmony for sure. Now I never know until the moment it happens.
So asking for the discipline I know I need sometimes, when he hasn't picked up on it, ends up turing into attitude or me doing things that are harmful to myself in other ways because I'm trying not to disobey explicit rules. It's difficult, and I think will take a lot more communicating on our part.
Right now, I'm trying hard to really let him lead, even that means not asking for the spanking my bottom is twitching for. But actually, I wonder if that isn't more detrimental in the long run? I don't know.
I'm going to ask him to read this! Maybe it will open him up for re-discussion on the subject.
http://adamsangel.blogspot.com
Thanks for commenting, Adam's Angel!
ReplyDeleteThough others have a different view, no doubt, for me there are two ways in which DD stops being healthy and empowering.
The first is when a woman puts her partner in the daddy role and expects him to take responsibility for her life.
The second is when the dominant partner who are insecure about the idea of a woman becoming more empowered, and therefore use DD as a way of controlling the relationship and not allowing her to express her needs on the grounds that he's in charge of the relationship.
I'm not in any way saying your partner falls in the latter category, as I don't know either of you, only that sometimes with the best of intentions, couples who come to DD without a thorough examination of their own fears and issues can easily fall into one of these traps.
-Viv
I think that if Feminism is about who holds power, then 'topping from the
ReplyDeletebottom' is an issue. In my experience, no sub ever received what she didn't want and held the ultimate trump card, whilst empowering her top to think he did.
-Hugh