If DD is the glue, do the parts really fit?

I wrote in an earlier post about the challenges my partner and I are having with long distance Domestic Discipline (DD), (see "Why Spanking Matters"). The short summary is that for us at least, DD doesn't seem to work when we're apart.

The problem is that without it, we're back to where we were before we started DD in the first place. That is, tears, anger, accusations, eroding communication and intimacy. A gulf between us that's as wide as ever it was. I can hardly believe we're the same two people who, only a month ago, were as close as I can imagine being with another human being.

The situation so upsetting for both of us that last night, after yet another tearful and angry encounter via phone, he suggested that perhaps we should consider not communicating at all when we're apart because it goes so poorly without DD to help us negotiate our differences.

The good news is that we'll be back together again in a few days. And I have every confidence that -- after a much-needed disciplinary session and reconciliation -- we'll find that loving, intimate place back again.

All of which brings up another nagging question in my head:

Is it really a good relationship if the only thing holding it together is DD? Put another way, if the relationship collapses so dramatically without DD, is it worth saving?

I think the answer is yes, because I think any healthy relationship is defined largely by how well individual boundaries are negotiated and enforced.

A genuine, intimate relationship requires boundaries in order to endure. In most non-DD relationships, those boundaries are much less clearly defined than they are in a DD relationship, but the boundaries are there nonetheless. They're negotiated over time, through communication and trial and error. He learns not to talk to her first thing in the morning because she's grouchy. She learns that he gets angry when she makes social plans without consulting him. Etc. etc.

If one partner violates the other's boundary, an argument and hurt feelings generally result. If it happens frequently, trust is impaired. Too many violations and the relationship is over.

The relationships that last are the ones where the boundaries are solid enough to provide safety, yet permeable enough to allow intimacy. In other words, just like good fences make good neighbors, good boundaries make good relationships. Remove the boundaries and you remove the safety net for building trust and intimacy. The container in which the relationship is held isn't strong enough to sustain the love and trust that goes inside it.

At its heart, DD is fundamentally nothing more than a more formalized and externalized system of setting and enforcing boundaries -- a container in which a relationship can grow and thrive. It's also, I believe, a safer and healthier container than most couples have the benefit of.

In a traditional relationship, it's generally a case of "cross my boundary and I will passively-aggressively punish you for the rest of our time together," or more likely, "cross my boundary and I'll leave you for someone who respects my boundaries." But in DD, it's "cross my boundary and you will be disciplined, firmly but fairly, and then we'll let it go and get on with our lives together."

So is it a "real" relationship if it's held together with DD?

I'd say absolutely.

A clear, mutually agreed-upon system of maintaining healthy boundaries while enhancing intimacy isn't the glue that holds an otherwise unhealthy relationship together -- it's the way in which a relationship stays healthy in the first place.

In other words, without a strong container, even the most loving relationship will fall apart.