tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8902179632740561852.post3948671419720534439..comments2023-10-05T08:43:27.995-06:00Comments on THE DISCIPLINED FEMINIST: If DD Is The Glue Do the Parts Really Fit -- RevisitedUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8902179632740561852.post-88324571524771061562009-03-26T04:35:00.000-06:002009-03-26T04:35:00.000-06:00Vivian,Another though provoking post, and I can't ...Vivian,<BR/><BR/>Another though provoking post, and I can't help but agree with your analysis. Clearly your characters were not suited to what you were trying to create and DD is not the panacea some would have us believe.<BR/><BR/>If I might continue the woodworking analogy, a subject about which I know a bit? <BR/>In order for a strong joint to be made the parts do have to fit very well, and no amount of filling the gaps with glue will help. Even the so called gap-filling adhesives are not so strong as the wood itself.<BR/><BR/>The mating faces - those parts of your relationship which rub up against each other, sometimes awkwardly, are pressed together, held together by other parts of the joint, other stronger parts of the relationship; they are not persuaded from flying apart by the tensile strength of the glue. <BR/><BR/>To achieve true complementarity in a partnership relies on being able to both sacrifice something of oneself to make a greater whole, and the DD pattern skews the responsibility for this. As you say, it's not the panacea it's sometimes made out to be.<BR/><BR/>So good luck to you. I sincerely hope that you manage to combine your art with being able to support yourself.Olliehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02208423803961169703noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8902179632740561852.post-949317944368845352009-03-09T17:28:00.000-06:002009-03-09T17:28:00.000-06:00Vivian, my experience was totally different than y...Vivian, my experience was totally different than yours. I DID put a wrecked relationship back together with DD. It helped us to rebuild the intimacy and trust and organize the dynamic we wanted for our marriage around the love that existed. I think (?) I would agree that DD is not the glue, though, DD is the tool you might choose to build what you have into what you want. It cannot create the raw material, and like any tool, it all depends on how you use it. Are you skilled or awkward? Do you reach for the right tool for the right job? Are you working with the right sort of solid basic material in the first place? Each of us must answer that for ourselves. <BR/><BR/>Regarding the financial issues, frankly, again, I think it depends on the couple and what you want, what works for YOU. I personally know 'successful' DD couples (i.e. the DD has worked for them long term) who fit into all categories. The wife earns a good deal more, the husband works and the wife is a homemaker, they both work....the only constant is there is no set formula to follow, except to be very honest with yourself and your partner about what you each want. Then you can try to make whatever that is work. <BR/><BR/>Good luck. I hope you guys find a way to make the relationship all you want it to be! SaraAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8902179632740561852.post-29046699479649188842009-03-09T04:05:00.000-06:002009-03-09T04:05:00.000-06:00Vivian,I think this is a big step forward. Seeing ...Vivian,<BR/><BR/>I think this is a big step forward. Seeing the other parts of the dynamic makes it easier to find the right relationship. Good luck on mending yours and going forward.<BR/><BR/>A DD relationship has prerequisites. One of them is a relatively functional base relationship, what Anonymous here was talking about in terms of trust, I think. So, it can't keep a relationship together that doesn't have the prerequisites.<BR/><BR/>But if the prerequisites are met, then I think it can cement the relationship together in ways that a vanilla relationship probably can't. For one thing, it is constantly testing your mutual trust, which would tend to keep it alive and functional.<BR/><BR/>--RichAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8902179632740561852.post-55179982884540263382009-03-07T11:30:00.000-07:002009-03-07T11:30:00.000-07:00I do think that DD requires a tremendous amount of...I do think that DD requires a tremendous amount of trust and faith in the relationship before DD can manifest positively. I know I could never do it with my ex-husband; not enough trust overall, and I saw him in situations that made it clear that he did not have enough self-control for me to be able to put that trust into his hands. <BR/><BR/>It's possible that the kinds of men (and women) that DD would work for are becoming rarer and rarer, especially if the woman has her own life independent of the man. DD seems to rely on a way of being that is dying out. Women aren't going to listen to men's authority the way they used to, when they are authority figures on their own. Sublimating one's authority to another's can only happen with trust, and the belief that the other person really does know what he's doing. I personally have found that this is an interesting experiment, since my experiences with men have lead to not trusting most of them. It seems like finding a guy you can really trust is getting harder and harder to do, but I don't think it's impossible. <BR/><BR/>If a man really wants that kind of trust from a woman though, he's got to learn to live up to it. This requires tremendous self-control. Now, if you have a man like that, then not trusting him is counterproductive. ;-)<BR/><BR/>Sometimes it takes really standing back from someone, and from the relationship, to see what you do have, so that you won't mess it up or lose the relationship. I would still like to find someone I could trust absolutely. Hard to do. ;-) Not sure it will happen.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8902179632740561852.post-81131377303683794152009-03-06T20:01:00.000-07:002009-03-06T20:01:00.000-07:00I can relate to a lot of the things you mention in...I can relate to a lot of the things you mention in your post. I would like to have a DD relationship where I spank my wife girlfriend whatever. Some dynamic where I wouldn't have a relationship like my parents, a constant power struggle. But then again I don't want a women is financially and emotionally dependent upon me. I have had girlfriends in the past who were emotionally dependent on me. The relationships ended as soon as they got their confidence up and I ended up feeling like I was nothing but a shoulder to cry on. Women who are financially independent have the same problem I do. I get paid good money because I have a useful skill but that also means I must be available to use that skill, hence little personal time and difficulty planning mutual time off.<BR/><BR/>I would have trouble spanking someone who could not financially walk out the door. I don't want some one trapped.<BR/><BR/>All I can say is good luck.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com